Because in the middle of the night

I find myself the last year or two, struggling with the love of writing. Sure, I love creating stories, that will probably never leave me.

But I’ve written a lot of books. My first came out in 2008. My latest? Last year. This year? I have no idea what I’m going to be able to do.

There’s a growth that happens when you write a bunch of books.

It starts with struggling to finish just one. Then it continues with the struggle to keep writing. To create something new after a previous book.

Then comes the monster, imposter syndrome. Because that hits all of us hard, especially after a few books are finished.

Sure, my muse will pop in on occasion and sprinkle a new story idea, or a new world, or something glittery and shiny and happy that I’ll be super excited to dive into. I’ll fall in love with all the characters. I might even find ways to tie it back into other books, make the world bigger, even. Spin-off stories and one-offs that still live in the world, but aren’t quite in the main arcs.

Those are always fun.

So I decide to write.

But then I start feeling all that other stuff. The imposter syndrome. The failure. The jealousy of fellow authors who I have known forever. They burn brighter and move higher and higher in the world, and I stay here. On the ground. I know I shouldn’t, because no two author journeys are the same. Still, it gets to me sometimes.

Now I can probably tell you about nearly every writing tool out there, because let’s face it, I’ve tried them all. Newsletter hosts? I’ve tried most. Formatting software? Keyword software? Bookkeeping programs? Social media posting services? There’s not much I haven’t at least looked at.

I totally understand the mechanics of being a writer, and the business part of it. The admin stuff. I got that down.

Marketing? I’m not quite as good at, but I’m still trying to learn.

There’s a groove I haven’t quite found yet. But I’m working on it. Taking classes, reading industry books, trying to invest in myself, as they say. It’s hard to keep up with all of it, and continue to be a Mom, a Wife, and a full-time worker, when I have a job that sucks my brain cells out every day.

I struggle to figure it out every day.

I don’t always show up for my writing time like I should because I get stuck in all the other stuff that I can’t keep up with, and then I get mad at myself for not being able to keep up with all the other stuff.

But I try.

I’m out of whack, and very off-balance with everything, but I guess my point is that it’s okay.

It’s okay to still be trying to find your spot and your balance. It’ll come.

Maybe.

And if it doesn’t?

Does it matter? Really?